apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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