I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
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How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the liver wants what the liver wants
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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