He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
