don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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