I'm jealous of your bromance
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
