Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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