In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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