i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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