I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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