I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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