his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't turn off my feet"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
