Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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