Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
