how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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