are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force