I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.