i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sorry about my life...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.