last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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