Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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