i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
