Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
