Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
