Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
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I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
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Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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