Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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