Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
