i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
