I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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