God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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