I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Farmville is her only friend.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
