you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
