Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
