sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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