did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
