I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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