So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Who died my cat blue again?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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