I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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