Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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