i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
