I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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