"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I wish there were birth control emojis
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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