cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
And then he peed in my hair
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