This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
literally had 100 drinks last night.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
