I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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