There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
