oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
