Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
