goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
