College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
