Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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