The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We were destined to go to rehab together
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
