so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
