o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
