dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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