is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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