Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
